Jennifer P.
Dr. Glickman’s answer:
“The most important thing to know is that most women (some studies say as many as 70 percent) need some sort of clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm. So if you’re in that group, the first thing I can suggest is that you try adding some clitoral stimulation to your vaginal sex. Whether you’re using your fingers, your partner’s fingers, or a vibrator, it’s a great way to make sure you’re getting the sensations that get you over the top. If you or your partner are wrapped up in the idea that you ‘shouldn’t’ need to, remember that most women are in the same boat and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Some women enjoy practicing with a dildo during a little solo exploration. That can help in a couple of ways. First, it takes any partner expectations out of the picture. You can do whatever feels good to you without having any concerns about someone else. Second, it lets you experiment with different angles, positions, and speeds, which can help you find ways to get similar sensations with a partner.
It’s worth asking if you find intercourse or other vaginal penetration uncomfortable. For example, if your body’s own lubrication isn’t enough, you might experience irritation or a burning sensation from intercourse, especially if you’re using condoms. (Condoms have more friction than skin.) And contrary to popular belief, vaginal lubrication doesn’t always tell you how turned on someone is. Lots of medications, including antihistamines and antidepressants, can reduce it, as can smoking and alcohol. So I’m a big fan of adding a little lubricant for some extra slipperiness. You might be surprised at how much it improves how things feel.
And then, of course, there’s the question of whether you’re getting enough arousal before penetration. A lot of women find that sexual massage or oral sex before intercourse or other penetration can help a lot. In fact, some women say that it works best for them to have an orgasm even before anything goes inside them. They might have another orgasm from penetration or maybe not, but either way, it often makes things feel better.
If you or your partner are feeling any pressure or judgment around whether you have an orgasm during penetration, just as performance anxiety can cause erection difficulties for men, it can also make arousal and orgasm more difficult for women. The more you feel pressured or goal-oriented, the harder it can be to relax into orgasm. So my suggestion is that you find ways to enjoy whatever kinds of sex feel good to you. And you never know — you might be surprised some time.”
